I’m hearing a lot of talk on Facebook about moths. My cat seems to be enjoying them, and so is my puppy, but as for my friends, maybe not so much. I’m hearing that they’re everywhere, that they’re dying in doorways and windowsills and making a mess. What a nuisance!
Sigh. If only this had happened a few decades ago, when I was a skinny little girl of eight. I had a grand and inspiring plan that would not only rid homes of moths, but would also make me rich! Richer than Richie Rich. Richer than Scrooge McDuck. Richer The Queen of England! It was such a beautifully simple plan that others would smack themselves on the forehead and cry:
Why didn’t I think of that??? I could be rolling around in money, but no! I didn’t have the brilliance to come up with this idea myself. Well, I guess that skinny little girl from the wrong side of the tracks deserves her wealth. She’s the one who was smart enough to come up with this.
While they’re lamenting their own lack of business acumen and prowess, moths are flying all over the place. Moths are floating in glasses of iced tea, landing on hamburgers after they come off the grill, flying right into the mouths of the children who are squealing with delight over the fluttery tickling of the moth wings against their arms. The Very Important Guests that have been invited over for a down-home cookout are snarling in disgust and the distraught hostess valiantly picks soggy moths out of the potato salad while cracking jokes and trying desperately to keep her Very Important Guests from fleeing.
And that is where I would come in–all forty pounds of my eight-year-old self, swaggering with pride. The Hostess would throw her arms around my neck and sob “Oh, thank Gawd you’re here!”
Cool detachment and competence radiating in my smile, I’d set my bag down and rummage for just the right tool for the job. What job?
Professional Moth Catcher!
I’d have all the latest high-tech gadgetry for catching bothersome moths: lanterns that let off a moon-like glow (scientifically proven to draw moths 78% faster than a porch light!), telescoping and collapsible moth-capturing nets (whatever you do, don’t call it a butterfly net!), and of course breathable cotton or linen sacks with specially made openings that allow moths to be shoved in but keeps them from flying out. Oh, oh! And this special powder that I could sprinkle into the sacks that would repair any damage done to their wings during the catching process. Not only was I a brilliant business woman, but I was damned considerate too.
The idea was that Hostesses who were expecting Very Important Guests would hire me to run around their backyard catching all those offensive moths, thereby saving her: job, sanity, husband’s job, charitable fundraiser, child’s birthday, etc.
After all the moths in the immediate area were captured and put into my bag, she’d give me all the soda and hot dogs I wanted. When I had my fill, she would discreetly hand me my pay, along with the name of someone who had wronged her…someone who had maybe flirted with her husband or whose child bullied her own precious angel. Someone who was expecting Very Important Guests of her own in the near future, and absolutely couldn’t have a bunch of bothersome moths flying around.