Confessions of a NaNoWriMo Dropout
It’s also time for NaNoWriMo. Huh? NaNoWriMo. It’s a crazy, fun, intense, caffeine and Cheetos filled whirlwind of a month that is dedicated to writing a 50,000 word novel in just 30 days. This strange name is short for National Novel Writing Month. It’s a time to give yourself permission to lock yourself up in your room or hide in a coffee shop and just indulge in your wildest literary fantasies. It’s insane. It’s fun. It’s free. And best of all, there is a ton of support and wacky goings on. I love Nano and I sign up every year.
And every year I drop out.
Like all writers, I have an entire Rolodex full of excuses not to write (thoughmy husband has recently launched a campaign to get me to dump the Rolodex and use Google Spreadsheets instead), and they are all so reasonable: The baseboards need scrubbing, the cat needs brushing, I have to try on every piece of clothing I own so I can send a bag to Goodwill. I’m sure you get the idea and don’t need me to list all four thousand eight-hundred seventy-two reasons.
I always start out fully intending to write fifty–no, seventy thousand words! No, wait! In my best Dr. Evil voice, I burst into the living room and declare that I will easily write “One hundred thousand words! Bwwahahahaha!” My husband usually just looks up at me and offers a supportive “Wow. That’s great, Dannie. How much have you written so far?” My answer to that is typically of the I haven’t actually started yet. I have to make a crust for that potpie we’re having for dinner, so I’ll start pounding out the words tonightvariety.
At some point, I always do sit down and write, but by the time I find my writing groove, I am so far behind my daily word count goal to reach 50k words, that I start to feel panicky and resentful. Resentful of myself for having a hard time. Resentful of all the household duties that are distracting me, resentful of all the amazing, beautiful, talented writers who can easily blow right past their goal and actually succeed in finishing NaNo. So I pour myself a glass of three dollar wine and hope that loosens me up enough to be productive. Unfortunately, it only distracts me and I end up wasting an inordinate amount of time on Facebook. Most years, I just give up entirely around the third week of November, feeling guilt and shame over my pathetic 4,000 words.
So this year, I didn’t sign up. This year, I am aware that it’s National Novel Writing Month, and I’m genuinely happy for all those writers out there who are participating in the write-ins and camaraderie, but I’m just not playing. Instead, I’m plugging away, every day, on my novel. I have a reasonable word count goal, but I don’t have a hard and fast deadline. This year, I’m giving myself permission to lock myself in my office and write, but I’m also giving myself permission to watch Mythbusters with my kid or to work on a blog post or short story if I’m not feeling the novel love during any particular writing session.
I think the main difference is that this year, I’ve officially given myself permission to be a writer full time, not just for a month. I don’t feel like I have to pound out 2,000 words every day. Some days I do and some days I barely hit 700. But that’s okay. For me, writing isn’t a race, it’s a way of life. The story will ebb and flow, the hours in the day will work with me or against me, and sometimes things will pop up. And that’s okay.
The first draft of my novel is far, far, far from where I want it to be. I wish I had three times as many words written as I do, but I’m not stressing out about that. It’s coming along day by day. And this year, as NaNoWriMo happens all around me, I feel proud of myself for accomplishing what I have. On the days where I’m not a productive as I hoped to be, I gently remind myself that there is always tomorrow.